I’m late on a deadline, waiting for
several work-based communications, and my phone keeps vibrating. There’s a Kik
message from Graham, complaining about the temperature in his office. Steve has
WhatsApped me a photo of his lunch with a frowny face—apparently, he’s unhappy
with his sandwich selection. And over on Tinder, Colin is telling me that his
mom’s birthday is on Sunday, so he’s planning to go home for a visit.
I haven’t met any of these men, although, at one point—before the
constant stream of messages about the minutiae of their day flooded my
phone—I’d been actively looking forward to setting up dates with each of them.
In most cases, we’ve only “known” each other for a week, ever since we swiped
right on Tinder or exchanged an initial how are you e-mail on OkCupid. No one would know
that if they read our pages of text exchanges—they’d assume we were in a
relationship or friends from way back.
Related: Newest Tinder Trend:
Marriage
But we’re not. And
while I know I have a choice to respond to these inane messages, I don’t want
to seem rude by preemptively shutting down the conversation. After all, their
profiles sound promising. I like their photos. And some of the texts are genuinely
funny or interesting: I had a fun back-and-forth exchange with Dermot about the
best coffee shops in our respective neighborhoods; Steve's Golden Retriever
looks nice. I also appreciate the validation, the feeling that some guy
connects with me so deeply he simply can’t help but send me 20 texts a day.
But, from a practical point of view, the torrent of texts is distracting me
from work—not to mention talking to my real friends.
Related: Why American Women
Keep Falling for British Dudes
“I love meeting new people, and it’s sometimes fun to have a
random dude to text with during my down time, but seeing so many messages build
up on my phone is stressful,” says 24-year-old Tinder-user Ashley. However, “I
try to respond quickly because I know how weird I feel when I write something
and a guy I like doesn’t respond for hours later.” But it’s not only the time
suck that’s a downside of exchanging too many texts before an in-person
meeting. For me, I’ve found the more info I share with a guy in advance, the
bigger my expectations become. And more often than not, those expectations only
lead to letdown. I find the guy who is razor sharp over texts is bitter and
angry over drinks; the one who seemed flirty in messages is pushy in person.
And in turn, I become more sensitive from the outset: I notice if a guy seems
acutely disappointed when we meet—as if he's more attracted to my avatar than
me. And I hate the stilted conversations that occur when you already knoweverything about each other.
And worst of all is how, immediately after a less-than-ideal date,
the texts stop completely. Don’t get me wrong, I neverliked them
in the first place, but it’s rough to go from 20-plus messages a day to nada.
It makes the rejection, or at least the disappointment that once again, this
wasn’t quite the right match, hurt that much more.
I’m not the only woman who feels this way. Callie, 28, once texted
with a man for two weeks leading up to their first in-person encounter. “We met
on OkCupid, but he was traveling abroad and couldn’t meet for a few
weeks," she says. "We exchanged numbers and started texting a lot. I
really looked forward to his texts and he actually helped me through a tricky
work issue. But then when we met, we had nothing to say. Here was this guy right in
front of me, and I wished I was back at home, texting with 'him'—his virtual
self just seemed a lot easier to connect with,” she says. After drinks
and dinner, the two headed home in opposite directions—and Callie never heard
from him again. Still, she hasn't erased the text exchange, and occasionally
re-reads them. “It’s so weird. He and I got along so well over text and it felt
like an actual breakup when we stopped communicating, even though we only went
on one date.”
According to experts, that may be because a lot of guys prefer the
texting to dating.
Matthew Hussey, a relationship expert and author of Get the Guy: Learn
Secrets of the Male Mind to Find the Man You Want and the Love You Deserve explains that, for guys, texting
strangers serves a purpose that women, who tend to have a larger social network
(both virtually and in person), don’t require. “Texting gives men a
non-committal form of validation whenever they want to feel connected,"
Hussey says. While an actual date can make a guy freak out about commitment and
question whether he really wants a relationship, texting offers
intimacy without the, ‘Is this going to be a thing?’ uncertainty. “Guys may
want fleeting moments of connection rather than the prospect of a real
thing."
But if you’re not
into a textlationship, Hussey says the best thing to do is let a guy know ASAP:
“Tell him you’re going on a texting hiatus until he proves that he is indeed a
real human being and not a figment of your imagination,” he suggests. And while
he's figuring out his own agenda, do yourself a favor and put your phone away.
You'd be amazed by how much work you get done.
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